Are You in a Techno-Warp?

My eyes opened. The digital display on my clock radio blinked hyphens. Power outage! My watch says I’m late!

Digital displays around the house are blinking like so many eyes in the night, watching me, irritating me. My face starts to twitch in synch with the microwave display. I start coffee. Both faucets on my kitchen sink run hot. I’m in a techno-warp!!

Thank God the shower works! I shave with my Triple Blade Articulating Head Ergonomic Razor. In my haste I give myself a precisely parallel triple cut.

The toaster chokes on my prefab waffles and sets to clattering loudly and jumping around. I hit it with a frozen leg of lamb which is not defrosting on its Miracle Quick Defrost Tray. The toaster quiets down and yields up the factory corrugated waffle product replete with factory-applied browning around the edges, smoking slightly.

The phone rings. My cordless phone beeps rudely in my ear instead of putting the call through. I forgot to charge it. I grab the conventional phone instead and speak, tethered to the wall like a dog, with waffle product rapidly cooling just out of reach.

It’s the office. “Forget to turn your cell on?” asks my perky yet sarcastic secretary. “Your best customer is going nuts looking for you. He says he called your sorry butt ten times and is now going to pay a premium to your competition just to get you.”

I find the black foldo-phone under my bed and strap it to my belt like a modern day techno-gunslinger. I switch to the vibrate setting and it immediately goes into a vibro-siezure. This causes me a brief but intense cardio-incident.

While I recover, I notice the VCR, microwave and clock radio displays blinking more brightly at me. Is it my imagination or are they getting more adamant? “Set us you idiot!! Now!!”

Maybe they are mad about my bludgeoning the toaster and are looking for revenge.

“Don’t be mad at me!” I silently plead to the three Chinese black plastic boxes with bootlegged American microchips. “It was the toaster’s fault! Not mine! My waffle product was within spec! The toaster’s next scheduled failure is at least two months from now!”

They continue to blink, enjoying my discomfort now. Machines love it when you’re down. That’s when they really get creative. And now they’re pissed! I’m a walking target, a marked man. As if it would help, I slowly and cautiously move through the house unplugging things while talking sweetly.

“Micro honey, looking good today. Hey, gotta clean up your revolving plate, it’s getting a little crumbly. You had to work so hard at dinner last night. I’ll just unplug you so you won’t get hurt when I clean you...” (Unplug) “Now, Mr. Answering Machine...”

I quickly dress and depart, being careful to avoid the elevator. I hope like hell the car hasn’t found about this.

---

Check out my:
FREE Email Tickler Reminder System,
Screen Grab Software,
Keyboard Shortcut Software,
Convert Documents to PDF Software,
Download Link Software,
Articles with Attitude,
Best Webmaster Resources,
all at
www.Poingo.com