Techno-Warp 2.0: The Warp is Here, Now!

Are you in a Techno-Warp?
Chapter 2.0
The Warp is Here, Now!

We, folks of the 2000's, embrace new technology much more readily than we embrace most relatives. We experience technorgasms in electronics superstores. We experience power and control with each new tool-toy, oblivious to the subplot running just below the surface.

Namely, the technology controls us and has its way with us. Our new techno friends encourage our loyalty and dependency. Then, when things are going well, they go on strike or, worse, strike out at us. Their absence leaves us defenseless, like a business that can't issue paychecks without its computer. And due to the incredible power of our machines, we can now make mistakes of unparalleled magnitude, like the computer that deposits $300 million in the janitor's account.

And we, happily pushing one button after another, be it our remote, our electric car windows or our computer keys, tend to "write off" technology glitches as brief but manageable aberrations.

But look closer. How many Techno-Warps happen to you in only one week?

As for myself, last week my refrigerator broke down spoiling all of my food, my cordless phone and computer at work stopped working and are in repair, and the self-sealing tire on my car didn't self-seal causing me a city wide search to find someone who could fix the simple puncture.

(I have gained valuable secret knowledge in that search. If you send $5.00 and a self addressed stamped envelope, I will share this secret knowledge with you in my treatise entitled "Self-Sealing Tires, Self Actualization and You").

Last week I was called by telemarketers for all three major long distance carriers, each with a different mispronunciation of my name.
"Rring!"
"Hello."
(Five second pause with keyboards clattering in the background)
"May I speak with Mr. (three more seconds) Mooshloomum?"
"Close. What do you want?"
"Mr. (two seconds now, we're improving) Mushelgum, I am calling on behalf of the intergalactic monopoly of long distance carriers, ATTMCISprint. Since we really don't compete with anyone, we're calling to simply remind you to make as many long distance calls as possible. And, as a special incentive you are being charged for this call, which originates in Bahrain."
"Click."

Last week I received four solicitations for new and better credit cards, which are so improved that I can't see any difference between them and the ten or so I already carry, except for the fact that I am now...

PRE-APPROVED FOR IMMEDIATE $10,000 LINE OF CREDIT. Just fill out EASY, INSTANT, PRE-APPROVED application form.

As Chico Marx used to say, "Oh no, you notta gonna fool a me again, Firefly! I'm-a too smart to fall-a for dat-a one again!(You really need a bad Italian accent to do this line. Berlitz has a course.)

A few months ago I was thinking of starting a new business. Its confidential, but I will tell you if you don't tell anyone. I was going to corner the market on FAT. I figure it like this. With all the FAT FREE foods out there, there must be a NATIONAL FAT REPOSITORY somewhere just brimming with the stuff, and I was going to corner the market. Then, as increasing hoards of emaciated joggers begin collapsing in the streets I will pump them up with my FAT SUPPLY, and for an extra fee inflate key body parts more than others. Think reverse liposuction.

I estimated I could buy the whole lot for about $30,000, so I sent out three of those EASY, INSTANT, PRE-APPROVED application forms and awaited my startup capital.

Instead, I got three EASY, INSTANT REJECTION FORMS which cited incomprehensible reasons in credit-ese like "Too Many Credit Inquiries" , "Debits Out of Proportion With Crebits", and "Kneebone Connected to Nosebone". They each referred me to Equifax, the World Wide Deadbeat Database.

For the heck of it, I sent for my credit report. From what I could understand, and believe me that wasn't much, I had a slow payment in 1999 and otherwise pretty much singlehandedly kept the economies of my suburb and a few underdeveloped countries humming pretty well. I still don't know what the problem was. Maybe Equifax wanted the FAT REPOSITORY for itself.

By now you can see that I consider participants in Techno-Warpage to include not only the countless gizmos and gadgets we use and play with every day, but also the mega-businesses which employ so much technology that they essentially become colossal computers. Meanwhile each of us becomes a bit of information being "handled".

And yes, Matilda, we are handled by lots of computers. Think of all your accounts; your gas cards, your mortgage, the IRS, the credit agencies, your credit card companies, your bank, your insurance companies, your magazine subscriptions, your phone service and even your grocery store. Those "Preferred Cards" enable the Grocery Matrix to know your every move and purchase.

"Would you care to explain to the ladies and gentlemen of the jury exactly what you intended to do with a WHOLE POUND OF MARGERINE???"

And, with increasing connections between these computers, much of which is already in place in such environments as the Internet, let's face it: Our lives are completely, inseparably merged and surrounded with computers and technology.

The point? Well, these systems work well and deliver loads of goods and services pretty darned efficiently. The downsides? Your privacy simply does not exist. And, when the gizmos get mad, look out.